That's not me, this is me...

I seem to be attracting a fair bit of interest on match.com. I'm putting a lot of it down to the fact that I have written a full and articulate profile because writing stuff is what I'm good at, whatever you might think after reading all this crap. Also the fact that I somehow miraculously managed to take a cute picture of myself despite the fact that little man is asleep in a sling on my back (you can only see the top of his head).

So I'm thinking of redrafting my profile. Thought I'd try it out here first:

Overweight, in-the-middle-of-a-divorce mum of a demanding toddler seeks sexy loving man who she might manage to see for about two hours a week.

I'm a size 16, very short woman with stretch marks and a jelly belly. Due to hormonal mayhem I have hair where you don't want your girlfriend to have hair and due to feminisim and/or laziness I'm damn well not going to do anything about it. I am a creature of contradictions, one minute I am bubbly and upbeat, the next I am miserable. This will always happen in direct opposition to your own moods. I am impatient, I do not suffer fools gladly, I can be blunt and I swear copiously. I will embarrass you by talking too loudly when I get drunk. I will not always listen to you due to my head being somewhere in the clouds. At other times I will be extremely down to earth and practical and get very annoyed at you for dithering and daydreaming. I am untidy. Ironing is against my religion. I am honest and open to the point where I will tell all your secrets to everyone I know and probably a few people I don't know. Romantic movies make me want to vomit but I will expect you to light candles around the garden on a summer's evening. I have no money. I have no career ambition. I have missing teeth. Don't even think about winking at me. Or else.

Well?