Patience

All the parents of small children out there, repeat after me, ohm mantra style: I have infinite patience, I have infinite patience, I have infinite patience, I have infinite patience, I have infinite patience... And so on until your brain melts. Do it in the lotus position if it helps, but I'm just slumped on the settee with a glass of wine.

Food all over the floor... and the curtains... and in his hair... and up his nose... and on my jeans... Then there's bashing me with a serving spoon, pulling my glasses, tipping cornflakes all over the floor, crawling off mid nappy change, refusing to go in the car seat, refusing to eat lovely food I've made, refusing to go the way we need to go, picking up random dirty things off the pavement, grabbing things in shops, pinching me, wanting to be carried then wanting to be put down, wanting to climb every flight of stairs he sees, not wanting to share his toys with anyone else, not letting me brush his teeth, pointing at the apples then discarding the one I give him, pulling my damp washing off the airer as fast as I put it on, getting annoyed because I won't let him climb in the dishwasher, or the fridge, being full of beans when it's bedtime, strewing books and toys all over the house... All that perfectly natural stuff that 14-month-olds get up to.

I have infinite patience, I have infinite patience, I have infinite patience...